Concepts from Basecamp (The Inner World): Understanding Why the Mid-Life Plateau Happens (Part V)
We've now discussed four big reasons for the mid-life plateau: lack or confusion surrounding one's purpose, confusion surrounding identity, a diminishing return on success, and choosing to allow dreams to die early on in life. There are so many reasons that set the stage for the mid-life plateau. At this point, you're probably certain there are more reasons that can lead to the mid-life plateau. If you were, you're absolutely correct!
Reason #5: Relationship Changes
When it comes to mid-life and relationship changes, it's easy to highlight the big items listed below and say, "Duh!"
Romantic relationships shifting or ending (i.e., marriages, longer-term relationships)
Friendships dwindling
Kids growing up and moving out
Look closer. Do you see what each of these things have in common? They all involve "disconnection." More importantly, disconnection with respect to others that are probably close to you. They also involve something that I'm sure you're sick of me mentioning by now: a shift in identity.
These are all major events that would rightfully impact and even be the main contributor to the mid-life plateau. Let's break down each one.
Disclaimer: Before I go into the topic, I want to be clear. I have never been married, and I have never had any children. What I do have is experience being in multiple romantic relationships that have very much resulted in the same base emotions and feelings that rise to the top for men when it comes to the ending of those relationships. Especially before we men have done our own internal work, we may not know that those emotions and feelings are things such as shame, guilt, grief or loss, fear, anger, and resentment. As men, we don't handle many of these emotions and feelings well, if at all. We tend to stick to the ones that society told us were okay: anger or resentment. The remainder can easily be ignored or covered up.
Just like those who have been married, at the end of each of my romantic relationships, I have had all those emotions and feelings come to the forefront. They were extremely difficult to deal with, and they possess the ability to crush you from the inside out. To put it bluntly, it f**king sucks! The less I had known in the way of my own personal development, the harder these emotions and feelings were to deal with.
Romantic Relationships Shifting or Ending
By the time many of us men hit the mid-life plateau, we have experienced multiple dating relationships and maybe even got married. Relationships can shift at the mid-life plateau, especially if there are unresolved issues that have gone on recently or over the years. Early childhood trauma can manifest into adult relationship challenges that subconsciously create a divide between you and your partner. They can even lie dormant and get covered up by good times, kids being young and requiring constant attention, and various coping mechanisms. Any number of things—transitions, etc.—can create a shift and effectively uncover early childhood traumas that weren't an issue previously.
Mid-life is also the point where our perception starts to change, and things we once valued can take a "back seat." Rarely is it just one thing, especially when we're talking about romantic relationships. Other areas of life feeling sub-par can subconsciously create turmoil in our romantic relationships. Let's look back to the previous four reasons as having the potential to create subconscious motivation for disconnection between you and your partner:
A lack or confusion surrounding your purpose
Confusion surrounding your identity
A diminishing return on success as you have aged and grown
A decision to let your dreams die in trade for safety, conservatism, etc.
If any of these aspects of life are off or out of alignment, then we men can end up taking it out on our partner, many times even subconsciously. Let's look at an example of how one or more of these reasons can lead to a compounding effect that ultimately leads to relationship changes or endings.
Perhaps Chris, a 36-year-old male, is unhappy and unfulfilled at work. The job was fine through his 20s and early 30s. It paid the bills and allowed him the opportunity to build an external life. More importantly, it gave him a way to be of service to himself and his partner. It stretched him and gave him something to look forward to, while also allowing him to be a financial contributor.
At some point in his early 30s, although he probably didn't consciously realize it, his mindset starts to shift. Before, his work was something of a "tool" that allowed him an opportunity to grow in the company and build the external life that he desired. Now, the job and the external life aren't feeling like they are "it" anymore. At first, he shakes off the feelings, thinking that it's just crazy talk. After some months turn into a couple of years, the feeling of "This isn't it" starts feeling heavier and more present. His ability to shake those thoughts off has greatly diminished, and the workdays have begun to feel increasingly harder to get through. Going to work feels more like a chore that wipes out his energy reserves and doesn't leave much to go home with. Even after a couple of years of attempting to self-manage, he finds himself stuck, lost, and confused as to what is going on. He functions well in his community and paints an image of someone who "has it together." He doesn't feel like he needs help (i.e., coaching, therapy, etc.), and the world conditioned him to believe that he is stronger than whatever is happening. So, week in and week out, he continues to show up to work, regardless of how he feels.
A couple of years ago, those feelings and emotions were easy to shake. It was no problem clearing those thoughts and emotions from his mind, and stepping fully into an evening with his partner was easy. As the years progress, the self-management strategies turn toward addictive tendencies (i.e., alcohol and endlessly scrolling on social media to numb out) to help cover up the pain versus feeling it. Instead of being able to clear those thoughts and emotions from his mind, he is more consumed by them, creating a disconnection between him and his partner. His partner voices those concerns to no avail due to Chris becoming increasingly consumed by the efforts to shake those feelings and emotions. Eventually, Chris's partner grows angry and resentful of him for not listening. She gets angry, causing Chris to only disconnect and pull away more. Fights become "regularly scheduled programming" each week. As the fights continue, they disconnect from one another even further. Eventually, she gets tired of being tired. Meanwhile, Chris had checked out almost completely six months ago. The relationship comes to an end.
No matter the relationship type (e.g., marriage, long-term relationship), the feelings and emotions that are felt, pushed away, and subsequently brought up to be pushed away again are the same. Chris started to feel a diminishing return on his career success. Tied in with his feeling of "This isn't it," it's highly likely that Chris started questioning his purpose in life. The early success in his career that allowed him to build his external life became a part of his identity moving into his early 30s. When that identity started shifting into new belief structures (effectively, an inner knowing that there was more out there), he didn't know what to do with the associated feelings and emotions around this. Those new belief structures washed out the dirt from under the foundation that he built his house—or life—on. As a boy, Chris was conditioned to ignore feelings of shame, guilt, inner fear, etc., because they were "soft" and men aren't soft. As an adult, Chris lacked the self-awareness to look inward and address his shifting beliefs that led to his change in identity. This is why what started out as Chris being unfulfilled in his job uprooted his relationship with his partner. Should this be a divorce, this could also be a major impact to finances and safety in the mind of adults is commonly tied to finances. All aspects of life are connected.
Even though the relationship has ended, there is still a need for Chris to do the inner work on himself. Should he choose not to, he risks repeating the same behaviors in future relationships or even subconsciously expanding upon his coping mechanisms. That work starts with looking inward. How come his job is unfulfilling? How does that align or misalign with his values? That will ultimately help him get to the deeper reason that is underlying why his perspective shifted, seemingly "out of nowhere."
Friendships Dwindling
As we get older, our lives tend to become more our own, whether they be a life of happiness and fulfillment or not. We develop and solidify preferences, habits, and routines that ultimately become our identity. Romantic relationships, kids, and family building can consume the vast majority of our time. This can be especially true after what I like to refer to as "The Mass Marriage Window." Speaking from my own experience, 27 to about 32 years old is when many couples tend toward getting married. Looking back, once one of the females in each friend group got married, it wasn't too long afterward when the remainder followed suit.
Career and building an external life can tend to become a very important aspect during this time as well. Friends that we had earlier in life may be focused on other things, not be around as much, or may not be what we prefer any longer. Maybe we become a little more selective and preferential with respect to who we spend our energy and time with. Maybe our tastes, values, and habits change at that mid-life plateau.
Having a diminishing friend group can be tough. Growing apart is a natural part of life, but it doesn't mean that the emotions of loss and grief aren't present. As we age, we aren't readily given the opportunity to meet new people like we had been when we were growing up. We get so focused on the life that is ours that we lose touch with our need for connection amongst others.
Kids Growing Up and Moving Out
I cannot speak directly to this as a parent. What I can do is speak to this as a child growing up and eagerly looking forward to moving out of the house and going to college to finally claim my freedom.
As the first child leaving the house (I was the oldest of my biological siblings), I can vividly remember that summer after senior year of high school. I couldn't leave fast enough. Being at home was the last place I wanted to be. All I wanted was to be with my friends, living. At the time, I didn't know just how hard this was on my mom. From my rudimentary perspective, I only knew that it felt like I couldn't do anything right. She was constantly mad at me and blew up on me very quickly. I was extremely frustrated with the situation, and that only led me to distance myself even more.
Oddly enough, the little bit that I do know about parents struggling with kids growing up and moving out of the house is related to a change in identity. Wait, that word again?! They know that the role that they have played for the last two decades is coming to an end, and they too are having to shift into a new identity. As we already know, a new identity means new ways of thinking, feeling, and new behaviors. When we put it so simplistically, it sounds easy. As we have already learned from mid-life, the real challenge isn't so much the changes themselves. It is the acknowledgment and stepping into the inner belief that we are, in fact, that new person. The struggle is embodiment from the inside, out. It is an inner belief that reflects ownership and confidence.
Their struggle is literally the same, but different.
Key Takeaways
Let's look back at the key takeaways from this article:
A shift or end in romantic relationships, friendships dwindling, and kids moving out of the house are all major transitions. It's easy to see the difficulty in each, but when we look deeper, the common thread between each lies in two concepts: disconnection and identity.
Shifting from early adulthood into mid-life can often be a point when belief structures are changing, oftentimes subconsciously, and things that we previously valued before are taking a "back seat." In Chris's case, the job that provided an opportunity to showcase his value to his company and build an external life worked for a number of years. At a certain point, values and beliefs shifted and he found himself longing for more. His lack of self-awareness made this a very difficult time and impacted other areas of life.
Everything is connected. Impacts in one area of life can erode and degrade other aspects of life, many times subconsciously.
Doing the inner work after any failed or challenged relationship is paramount to both the success and growth of the individual and the partnership, whether it is the current partnership or a future one. If you don't take accountability to understand where you fell short as an individual, you are only setting yourself up to repeat the same cycle or further expand upon your coping mechanisms (likely seen a negative).
Friendships can start to dwindle as we get to mid-life. Adults don't readily have as many opportunities to meet new people as younger people do. The feelings of loss, grief, and loneliness can surely be present in this circumstance.
When children are growing up and moving out of the house, this can be challenging for both the child and the parent. The child may not understand the depth of what is going on. They may not have the maturity to understand what is “theirs” vs. what isn’t. Meanwhile, the parent in this situation could very likely be facing a significant shift in identity. Identity shifts can be difficult.
The Built to Elevate mission is rooted in this simple progression:
Knowledge creates power.
Power creates choice.
Choice becomes empowerment.
Empowerment is freedom.
This is where the plateau ends, and the real climb begins.
Only one question remains: Are you ready to elevate and move into that all-powerful version of yourself?
Yours in Elevation,
FJ.